Communication

Communication, verbal and nonverbal, is the lifeline of society. It has many uses, from being a means of expression to a form of therapy. Most important, though, verbal and nonverbal communication shapes one's behavior and thought patterns.

In the case of a telephone conversation, we humans have one (or more) on a daily basis -- whether it's with the next-door neighbor or a co-worker. However, what we say is often overshadowed by how we say it ... and with old-fashioned manners becoming a thing of the past, telephone rudeness is on the rise.

On many occasions, I've been on the receiving end of rude messages. (In fairness, I've also dished them out.) One such experience occurred while I was working as an intern at Clifford Public Relations in 2000. I'd contacted an editor from the Denver Rocky Mountain News to verify some information, and her frustration ended up giving birth to callousness. In the course of five minutes, I learned how exasperating it is for her to receive so many telephone calls on a daily basis. She said she wasn't going to do my job for me -- not that I wanted her to -- and I shouldn't take her tongue-lashing personally.

After letting her vent -- she eventually hung up on me -- I thought about why she acted the way she did. The most obvious answer is because she doesn't know me. As strangers, we don't necessarily owe each other the common courtesy we extend to fellow acquaintances. In those situations, those people talk to each other in a civil tone and behave in a cordial manner. But with strangers, we can speak rudely and not give it a second thought because, in all likelihood, we'll never cross paths again. One may feel a twinge of guilt for not abiding by the Golden Rule ... but that feeling eventually subsides, especially if the encounter wasn't of much significance (e.g., dealing with aggressive telemarketers).

While our not knowing each other may have played a role in the communication debacle, the real reason I think she behaved so badly was because we weren't speaking to each other face-to-face. According to communication researchers Judith Hall and Mark Knapp, when two people face each other, they send out signals about one's attitude, feelings, and personality. In their book, Nonverbal Communication in Human Interaction, they discuss its importance in helping one get his / her message across.

During my conversation with the editor, she projected a nasty disposition toward me without ever looking me in the eyes. Instead, she used her voice to convey her status (she was in a position to verify some information I needed), dominance (she did most of the talking, cutting me off and raising her voice whenever I spoke), and power (she ended the conversation).

In hindsight, the editor was probably having a bad day or I might have called her at a bad time. While I didn't do anything to provoke her rudeness, it was clear the conversation was doomed to end on a sour note. I received signals about her attitude, feelings, and personality -- all without ever having met her face-to-face. I wasn't pleased about how she acted toward me, but I decided to follow her advice and not take it personally.

Telephone rudeness affects not only how we deal with outsiders, but also those close to us. Most people try to live by the Golden Rule -- yet, that rule goes out the window when it comes to showing common courtesy toward one another. In the future, a clear distinction needs to be made between the message one sends and how that message is to be received, for it affects communication as a whole -- verbal as well as nonverbal.